My Hurricane Irma Experience…

Freaks! I’m anxiously awaiting the arrival of that bitch Hurricane Irma. Yes, I live in Miami. And yes, my family and I decided to hunker down and ride out the storm at home like psychopaths. During this wild week (it felt a lot like Mad Max Fury Road on these mean streets)… here is what’s happened thus far…

  1. My husband screamed at me 3.5 times because, apparently, I’m “bad” and manual labor. Duh, dude.
  2. I spent $242 at Publix on food provisions I will never eat such as Vienna sausages, canned sardines and beef jerky.
  3. Several of my friends called me an “idiot” for not evacuating. Sayonara, bitches! 
  4. I spent yet another wad at Whole Foods on food ended up eating it all waaaaay before the storm even came. #Fail
  5. My children hollered at me 5 times for refusing to play boardgames with them.
  6. While schlepping our outdoor crap indoors, I realized my home is teetering along solid Hoarders status. Ew.
  7. Bible, I have amassed enough non-perishable food and water to sustain all of Haiti for a decade. 
  8. My husband is driving me to drink the really expensive wines in our cellar. Sorry not sorry.
  9. My children, on the other hand, are handling this no-school thing with open arms and are winning at life.
  10. I’m finding my friends’ Instagram stories from New York Fashion Week annoying AF. Salty, clearly.
  11. I’ve gained 3 pounds compliments of my affinity for #NotOnBrand foods such as Fun-Yuns, Magnum double caramel ice cream bars and Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups.
  12. The sign-language people on the local news are better than any stand-up comedy show I’ve ever witnessed.
  13. In a twist of irony, I wasted half a gas tank searching for, well, gas.
  14. I’ve downloaded hard-to-navigate apps such as Zello which I will never use. Like, ever.
  15. My mother has phoned me roughly 1,234 times in a 2-day period.
  16. My online shopping “problem” has reached a fevered pitch.
  17. Some of my closest friends fled Miami and I’m now suffering from acute “abandonment issues.” PAYBACK IS A BITCH, LADIES.
  18. I’ve completed viewing season 3 of Narcos and the feelings I have for shady Cali Cartel Bosses are downright inappropriate.
  19. On a positive note, I now know how to charge my iPhone with a car charger, pen and 9-volt battery.                                                 **In all seriousness, I’m so thankful to be alive, healthy and with power. Thus far, matters are looking up for Miami and I’m feeling so blessed. I’m praying for those in the storm’s direct trajectory. If you live in Florida, how are you holding up?**

11 Comments

  1. Ronnie
    September 9, 2017 / 7:40 pm

    This is everything! So related to #12 and now don’t feel like a horrible human being. Her dramatization skills are ON POINT.

  2. September 9, 2017 / 8:22 pm

    #12 I’m dying. I have a friend who has snapped all of them and she is V impressed with the expressiveness and thinks they’d make great DJ’s. Also, to those that have to drive back…I fear for their sanity and marriages bc it’s bad enough now lol

    • The Wordy Girl
      September 10, 2017 / 6:17 pm

      #12 Got me through the storm! Well, them and Xanax.

  3. September 9, 2017 / 10:52 pm

    #12 made me laugh so hard

    • The Wordy Girl
      September 10, 2017 / 6:17 pm

      I know! I know! The best! Hope you are safe and well.

  4. Marissa
    September 10, 2017 / 12:15 am

    Yes, yes, YES to this post that has brought some humor to this otherwise God forsaken week of mierda. It has been a lil’ scary, a lot F’d up (see Lisa Hochstein’s IG story/post about the pets during Irma…there are no words) and so f’ing boring. But yes, grateful that Im not the friend who fled to Tampa, only to then have to flee to Atlanta and of course for the fact that we are doing OK, so far.

    • The Wordy Girl
      September 10, 2017 / 6:16 pm

      Thank you! I’m glad someone gets my humor. Stay safe in Hot-lanta!

  5. The News
    September 10, 2017 / 4:18 pm

    Wow! Everything you stand for is such vain bullshit, and you can’t write worth a damn. “Look at me, look at me,” is roughly what it translates to in English. #vapidneedyattentionseeker, since you seem to think in hashtags.

    • The Wordy Girl
      September 10, 2017 / 6:16 pm

      Thanks for the kind words! Being a troll is the best feeling, right????? Stay classy, babe.

  6. Lily
    September 13, 2017 / 10:12 am

    Girl this made my friends and I laugh so much!
    #2 I can relate … Like is Publix letting people return can food ?? LOL

    I’m so happy I found you on my Instagram feed! I came across your story and you were commenting on the “Life of Kylie ” aka “Life of Boredom”

    You’re awesome!
    Thanks for the constant humor!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *