Hey, hey, hey, Valentine’s Day is this Friday (crap — the latter may be the worst rhyme sequence in the history of rhymes. Forgive me). My plans? Seeing as I’m vehemently allergic to prix fixe menus and crowded restaurants, the husband and I will most likely queue the Netflix over turkey meatballs. Super duper sonic romantical-ness, I know.
As for gift-giving ideas for my 3 male readers (I know you’re out there — on Pluto, perhaps), here are unequivocally unacceptable Valentine’s Day presents which totally warrant a karate chop to the ball sack: Wilting roses from the street flower dude on the car ride home, a fluffy puppy (they poop a lot), any kind of stuffed animal (we’re not 12 anymore), gym clothes (could you be more explicit?), fugly lingerie (ew), candy underwear (only because sugar is the devil), CVS-bought chocolate (a moment on the lips, costs a lifetime on the hips) and appliances (what the flip am I going to do with another avocado cuber?).
In other words, give her a gift that leaves her swooning, not fuming. So without further ado, here’s what I’m lusting for this Valentine’s Day — even though a thoughtful card with a 250-word essay declaring his immortal love for me will suffice, too.
1. Mr. & Mrs. cocktail glasses ($22) available here
2. Jamberry nail wraps ($15) available here
3. Jonathan Adler sunglass case ($42) available here
4. J Brand Aiah leather jacket ($1,100) available here
5. Delfina Delettrez lips and pearl earring ($460) available here
6. Lulu Guiness lips clutch ($453) available here
7. These SJP by Sarah Jessica Parker heels aren’t out yet, but I’m stoked for this Feb. 28 Nordstrom launch
8. Chanel acrylic bottle bag (mad loot)
9. Bulgari Serpenti ring (crazy dolla bills) available here
10. Delefina Delettrez double-finger lips ring (cray $$) available here